Perspectives and positive thinking
A second snowy day where I am as I start to write this. I went out for a walk and got thinking about how weather like this can feel very different to different people depending on our circumstances. And even to the same person at different times. It was beautiful walking up onto the heathland, everything sparkling and even a ‘snowbow’ in the sky at one point. Kids at the park were having a great time sledging and making snowmen.
But luckily for me, I didn’t have to travel anywhere by car or public transport. I didn’t have to weigh up the safety of driving against the need to turn up at work that day. I don’t have to worry too much about falling and breaking a bone – because I don’t yet have the osteoporosis that runs in the family. There are many reasons people may not welcome ice and snow.
It’s a common idea that our perspective on something can make all the difference – whether the glass is half full or half empty. And some forms of therapy do work on helping us to see things from different perspectives. In ecotherapy, contact with time and space on different scales – touching rocks that are millions of years old or gazing at wide skies – can do this. Cognitive behavioural therapy might invite people to examine their negative thoughts and find alternative ways of looking at situations.
But I do think there’s a danger in imagining that we can think our way out of mental distress by trying to see things differently. Firstly, this means we’re not fully acknowledging that distress, giving it the space it needs to be heard and understood. Effectively, it could lead to a kind of ‘bottling up’ of our emotions, our anger, our grief, our pain, if we keep trying to put a positive spin on things. And bottling up emotions is largely recognised to be not a great idea – they will come out one way or another at some point.
Secondly, it seems to put all the onus on the individual who is suffering. It ignores the fact that we exist in relation to each other and to the worlds around us. And sometimes other people and the way that world works can cause huge distress. It’s like the recent emphasis in schools on trying to increase kids’ resilience; learning how to be resilient in the face of adversity is a good thing, but it can also ignore things happening in education and in what the future holds for kids in our society that are at least partly driving the rise in mental health problems among young people.
An existential approach to therapy might look at these conflicting aspects of being human, inviting in the messiness of life in which there are no easy answers. Acknowledging and exploring the fact that bad things can happen to us that are beyond our control and that there is not necessarily any ‘meaning’ to be found in them - while also acknowledging and exploring the fact that as humans we constantly seek meaning and we crave simple answers. And recognising that ultimately it is only in our own minds and our own perspectives on things that we can really change anything. Every one of our actions in the world and interactions with others begins with an idea in the mind.
What does all this mean for my counselling practice? It means that I absolutely honour and acknowledge clients’ yearning for answers, for reasons why they are suffering, for straightforward solutions to their problems. I’ve been there myself; for me it has meant a voracious appetite for one self-help book after another in the hope that the next one will get it right. On the other hand, it also means that I can’t give simple answers or straightforward solutions, and that can be frustrating.
Instead, I offer a space in which, together, we can explore your perspectives, what you’re thinking and feeling in response to that meeting point between your unique self and your experiences of the people and world around you. We can make sense of things where there is sense to be made – in a way that is completely individual to you. And we can acknowledge and find greater acceptance of the fact that not everything does make sense, but can still hurt us. The easiest answer I have found so far is that answers lie in the grey areas, in accepting contradictions – in ourselves, in other people, in the wider world. And an answer we find today might make no sense to us next week or next year.
When I first speak to prospective clients I tell them about how I work and I often say: “It’s easier to experience it than it is to explain it.” It all sounds rather philosophical and complicated. But at its heart is the fact that although I can give a general idea of what being a person-centred counsellor means, I can’t really tell you how it works until I meet and get to know you. Because every session we have together will be different and it will be different from any session I will have with any other client. I don’t apply a theory to you; I want to know what life looks and feels like from your perspective.
If you would like to arrange an introductory call to explore counselling with me, you can email me at janinecounsellor@gmail.com, call 07714 954180 or fill in the form on the Contact page.